For want of a llama
It took less than two weeks on the job for two of the most essential elements of my reporting, accuracy and credibility, to be trampled all to heck.
Of all the scenarios I could've imagined, however, it never would of occurred to me that I'd be done in by a cantankerous llama.
As we went to press last Wednesday, I dutifully reported Spirit Week activities for Marion High School included a "kiss the llama" event at Friday afternoon's pep rally. You, the public, had a right to know.
Thursday morning I was horrified to find the following announcement on the MHS web site:
"Due to complications beyond our control, the "kiss the llama" contest will be replaced by "kiss an angry Billy Goat" contest. The Kissing of the Billy Goat will be at the Burning of the Dummy instead of the Pep Rally on Friday."
Sources report that the llama proved to be too unruly and unpredictable for the event. I suspect the truth is the llama found the idea of kissing humans every bit as distasteful as the homecoming candidates felt about kissing it.
Legendary for being less discriminating about almost everything, goats were a good substitute — but have you ever tried booking a goat on short notice? There wasn't a single one who had Friday afternoon free.
So before last week's Record even hit your mailbox, my report became inaccurate and obsolete.
To those avid fans of "Fear Factor" type events who took precious vacation time from their jobs to catch Friday afternoon's pep rally and left disappointed, please — don't blame me, blame the llama.
To those people who now harbor concerns about granting an interview to a reporter who seemingly doesn't know the difference between a llama and a goat, or Thursday and Friday, please — don't blame me, blame the llama.
To the offending llama, be forewarned — when I'm driving around Marion County, I'll be looking for you. While there are a lot of your kind out there, trust me — I'll know who you are.
And when I find you, you're going to get the biggest, most distasteful human kiss you can imagine. Pay back is not pleasant.
— DAVID COLBURN
